Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
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Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!