Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is