When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.