“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me if I was a dog
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
S M O L
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
felt that
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit