Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”