I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
kevin is now a local weatherman
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.