You Might Also Like
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.