[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*sewing*
A thread
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker