A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?