I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
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figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.