Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
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Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’