I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
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My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE