The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”