The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I’m about to risk it all
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring