The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
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[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
watergate? u mean a dam??
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs