The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
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My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?