Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.