Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field