[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
forgive me baja for i have blast
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans