hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
sounds kinky. i’m in.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played