After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
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best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.