Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
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“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Blew my mind.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.