My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
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Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏