My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Meanwhile in Canada…
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…