If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
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I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”