[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.