Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking