*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
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Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
the greatest twitter interaction
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.