Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.