*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
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You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it