Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
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Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.