I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
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[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton