Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.