Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
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Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.