You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
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You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
dutch so unserious
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either