[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
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I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes