My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.