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[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step