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FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.