When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
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Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Just me and my debit card against the world
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.