dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
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Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?