If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*