I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
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I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?