[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
felt cute might bury dad later idk
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.