Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
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My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
79.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Are you ok, human???
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
this could fix me
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Just got to our Airbnb!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
What the hell happened in there??
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I’m being attacked 😭