‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Britain be like
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Happy Halloween 🎃
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
This dude got his own movie?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
i wish all
whales
a very
big