I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
You Might Also Like
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?