my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
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Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
they split up moments later
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.