I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.