The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
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[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
This kid will have a bright future.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.